TCBS'S SERIES OF UNRELATED ONE SHOTS
by TCBN
Summary: one shots from various South Park characters and cameo oc's. But MOSTLY canon. You may suggest a one shot for me to write in review!
1. Chapter 1

_AN: These are scenes that never made the cut to previous stories told by me_

Bebe discovers Kenny's true colours 

In Bebe's bedroom, Kenny launched off the bed, letting go of his girlfriend's face, and started making for the open window where he had climbed in an hour earlier.

"Where are you going?" Bebe sat up, smoothing her dress down to cover her knickers.

"Home" Kenny answered, zipping up

"But-" Bebe blinked, "so you're just leaving?"

"We should see other people" Kenny looked her way

"Wait so you're dumping me five minutes after we fuck!?" Bebe stared, "Who was I to you!?"

"I'm king of one night stands, you know I hate commitment" Kenny explained, "Once we fuck, the magic disappears"

"You said you loved me!" Bebe whined, instinctively pulling the duvet around her

"So, you use your allures and dress up as mysterion just so you can get into girls pants!?" Bebe howled, "I should have known! Get OUT!"

Bebe stood up and shoved Kenny towards the window, "NOW!"

"I will, jeez" Kenny rolled his eyes and launched himself out the window. He sauntered down the pavement and to his house where he ate dinner and went to bed.

Gay means pride

Wendy blinked at Butters. Butters was trembling, shaken and a little bit terrified of what Wendy would say to him.

"I didn't turn you off girls, did I? I don't represent the entire female gender" Wendy sat beside him, in halls of school

"No, it's not that. Bebe forced me to date you when Stan dumped you" Butters looked at his feet, "I wasn't ever into you"

"So you lied about your orientation?" Wendy stared, "just to make me happy?"

"And Bebe" Butters added

"Look, it's fine being gay, you shouldn't try hide it" Wendy calmed him, "I just feel hurt that you feigned love towards me because I loved you. It hurts to discover your supposed boyfriend didn't ACTUALLY love you that way. And I'm angry that Bebe so easily manipulated you. I'm just angry that you lied to me and teased me like that, and it has absolutely nothing about your orientation"

"He's not gay, he's pretending to be gay so he can break up with you" Cartman walked up to the two

"Ugh!" Wendy stood up, "You lying fuck!"

"Haha" Cartman snickered and walked off, following Wendy to comfort her and lure her into his web of chaos.


	2. Chapter 2

New kid's standard intro 

Rachel walked into the classroom and looked around nervously. The teacher pointed to a chair that was next to someone who had a serious weight problem and someone with very large boobs for someone her age.

"Sit between Bebe and Cartman" Mr Garrison said, "This is the new kid. Her name is Rachel and she will be joining the grade"

"Okay" Rachel shuffled to her seat and nearly barfed her breakfast when Cartman farted beside her.

"But Mr Garrison!" Cartman whined, "I don't want to sit next to a ginger! They're soulless and eat your souls to live!"

"Don't be rude" Mr Garrison snapped, "Rachel cannot help being ginger, just like you can't help being a fat bucket of lard"

"Actually, he can help being obese" a hooded boy mumbled from the back of the classroom, "It's called diets"

"Okay, children, lets return to History 101, when was…." Mr Garrison scribbled and scrawled on the board, ignoring the fact that hardly anybody was listening. After class, hooded boy walked up to her and greeted.

"I say you should hang with us" Kenny grinned

"Well, alright" Rachel shrugged and followed him to the group, oblivious to Kenny's real and much darker and sinister motive…

That didn't happen

Stan smiled into the darkness, unable to see but able to feel his girlfriend, inside the Marsh closet after an hour of making out.

"That was kinky" Wendy's voice laughed

"Definitely something we should try more often" Stan nodded

"It's gotten so stuffy in here" She said, "Maybe we should open the door?"

"Sure" Stan went to open the door. He thought it was genius of Wendy to suggest Stan to come in his room, saying something about having a surprise waiting for him. The instant he opened the door, he screamed. How the hell did he not realize he was kissing a girl who was definitely not Wendy? She was blindfolded so he couldn't see him. He ran out the closet and shut the door.

"Kevin, where did you go!" Shelly ran out the closet, taking off her blindfold only to scream in horror. Stan screamed louder when he saw Wendy emerge out of another closet in his bedroom.


	3. Chapter 3

Getting' religious 

Filmore and Furkel was busily snapping sticks in half in boredom when Ike and Sally ambled over, Sally munched lowly on apple slices and Ike pocketed his hands.

"Last year was fun, huh" Ike grinned

"Mhm, Furkel doesn't seem to be having issues with his identity anymore" Filmore chuckled as Furkel sighed in annoyance, still grinning.

"I'm not really one to actively confront a gang of angry elves" Furkel shrugged, "let alone be told that Santa's still dead"

"Didn't you say someone took his place or something?" Ike cringed

"Mhm" Sally cleared her throat, "who would've thought Jesus would take the job over"

"Hopefully we won't have to save another holiday" Ike shrugged, only to see an 8insanely large dreidel the size of Mount Cusco literally spin in top speed towards them

DDDDRRRREEEEEEEIIIIIDDDDELLLLLLLLLSSS!" Sally screamed and they all pelted down the road, horrified of what was yet to come.

Mayonnaise 

"Mmmm" Butters ate his delicious sandwich with delight, "this is tasty!"

"I'm sure glad you like it, Butters" Cartman smiled, wiping his hands on his pants, "I got it out of my mom's recipe book"

"It reminds me of the drink you used to sell" Cartman pondered thoughtfully, "It's all creamy and goo-ey!"

"Well, this is fantastic" Butters grinned and froze, "This isn't Creamy Goo, isn't it?"

"Payback, asshole" Cartman laughed and sped off, "drink jizzle!"


	4. Chapter 4

Dating pressure 

Rachel folded her arms. Ever since Alex drowned in that freak accident in the labs a few years ago, she was the designated test subject.

"I'm not doing it" Rachel said calmly, feeling her lungs tighten as an asthmatic's panic attack started to rise. Reaching for her asthma puff, she relaxed as she took two doses.

"You have to! Or else you will be kicked out of the girl's club" Bebe pouted, wendy nodded solemnly behind her.

"That doesn't exactly _sparkle_ with me" Rachel snapped

"It has to sparkle with you!" Wendy cried out, "Ever since our test dummy died, you have to do her job!"

"Maybe I'm not so hungry to be popular like her" Rachel sighed

"Look. All you have to do is date these guys and tell us which is best suited for Bebe to take to prom" Wendy handed her a sheet of paper, "Does that sparkle with you?"

Rachel glared, yanking the piece of paper from her hand, "Sunshine. Bitch."

"She's not going to do it isn't she" Wendy sighed as they watched Rachel storm out, "Rachel, if you do as you're told, we'll inject you with peanut butter and pin you down and watch you blow up like a raspberry at prom"

"I don't care" Rachel stormed off


	5. Chapter 5

One Liners

_Colour_

Token and Bebe blinked at the two green aliens screaming at them, waving their slippery tentacles.

"Humans!" an alien screamed, "Multi coloured humans!"

Bebe and Token realized they were talking skin colour.

_Breed_

"You know, if one was to squeeze out the bed sheets of every single bedroom in this hotel" Kenny said, "It would fill up an entire sperm donor fridge"


	6. Chapter 6

Rachel walked home in the screaming cold wind, miserable about the last three hours. She felt annoyed about the fact that she had specifically spent a half an hour forcing a comb and a blow-dryer through her hair, mustered up the courage to dump her geeky glasses for the slippery contact lenses she always ignored and actually find a dress that was two years old and never seen the light of day as evident by the price tag still attached. Muttering as she shivered down the streets, boots scuffing the pavement and mind going through a list of take out places that were still open at 10pm.

"Dominos, How may I help you?" a guy's voice echoed into her phone, he sounded like a young teenager scraping money together for an xbox

"One large extra cheesy" Rachel snapped her fingers to remember a name of any pizza. It just had to be large and filled with olives, "Napoli"

"Okay, when would you like it?" he replied, keys tapping in the background

"The instant it leaves the oven?" Rachel joked, attempting to cheer herself up, and him.

"Without the box?" he joked

Rachel snorted, unable to hide a tearful sob in her throat, "Very funny"

"Okay" the pizza place hung up

Rachel walked to her house in time to see a tall pizzaman with a large grease stain on his shirt walk over with a pizza box that was steaming delicious salty goodness.

"You look…" he stared as Rachel exchanged the money for the pizza

"Yeah, not every day you get stood up by a friend" Rachel scoffed, "I'd much rather be delivering my pizzas to clients in this snow rather than standing around in a busy bar like a total moron for three hours"

He took off his motorbike helmet, revealing his identity.

"Oh" he glanced at her oddly, "that asshole"

"I was stood up" Rachel explained, looking down "You're seeing the after effects of three hours of standing around"

"I'm sorry about that" he watched Rachel open the box and take a mouthful of pizza, "Sounds like an asshole indeed"

"Yup" Rachel took the pizza and was about to go inside, realizing that the guy standing before her was, in fact, Sam, from her school.

"Well, for someone to go out of her way to dress up and wait around for someone like a dog" Sam shrugged, "is a sure sign that he wasn't worth the effort, or the time or even the idea"

"Ya think?" Rachel found herself standing there, eating the pizza, "I didn't know you were a pizza dude"

"Got the job yesterday" Sam answered, "Hopefully, bumping into me, eating comfort food and watching re-runs of True Blood will make you feel better about tonight"

Rachel laughed at this, "You can come in, share my pizza, quick"

"Sure" Sam shrugged, "not going to let you mope around alone on a Friday night at 10 pm"

"Well, I usually order from Pizza Hut when I'm angry, upset, depressed or all three" Rachel explained, "and I usually have monologues of why today was shit and I'm sure you'd rather not listen to my rants"

"Well, screw leaving you to mope and rant" Sam lead her inside and they sat at the living room, eating the rest of the pizza. They chatted and laughed, discussed the show, the miserable turn of events of an hour ago and the fact Rachel was one to wear converse and hoodies rather than dresses.


	7. Chapter 7

Bodily love 

**Warning: implied sexual harassment **

Rachel sighed heavily as she watched Kenny's gaze drop down like high gravity G force in a spacecraft taking off.

"You're so beautiful" Kenny mumbled

"Thank you" Rachel smiled miserably, staring at the crown of his head

Kenny crept forward and licked and kissed her chest where her shirt joined at the first button.

"Please stop that" Rachel muttered, sighing as she let her boyfriend slowly unbutton her shirt and continue the kissing.

"Yes miss…" Kenny stepped backwards, not wanting to drop his hands from her boobs, ogling them hungrily.

"Let go of me" Rachel ordered, annoyed

"Okay, _sorry_" Kenny huffed as Rachel fixed her shirt back up.

"You raped me in the public park! In front of everyone! I hoped maybe you would've learned some respect after that!?" Rachel glared

"It's not rape, you're my girlfriend!" Kenny snapped back

"That doesn't make anything better or the fact that you're banned from that park" Rachel retorted, "and everyone thinks you're a serial rapist now"

"Well, why the fuck weren't you consenting?" Kenny groaned, eyes now back where they were at the start

"Because" Rachel glared, "You repulse me. With your excessive touching and neediness for sex"

"I can't help myself!" Kenny whined, "I have a sex addiction"

"Well, learn some fucking control!" Rachel screamed, angry, "Just because you have a disease that gives you 100% more testosterone than other guys twice your age, doesn't give you permission to run around and raping girls and asking girlfriends for sex in the middle of public places!"

"Yes it does!" Kenny whined, "look!"

Rachel turned away as Kenny whipped out his privates to show off how utterly (not) blue and (not) shriveled up they were, "They're falling off!"

"People have lived till the ripe old age and died virgins" Rachel glared, "You'll live"

"But…." Kenny groaned, reaching for Rachel who stepped backwards, "I can't function without you"

"I can't do this. I am not going to allow myself to be used as a portable toy for your sexual desires" Rachel turned to leave, "I've tried forgiving you when you said you wouldn't do it again but no, I am not going to be able to deal with being someone's girlfriend with that as a disease"


	8. Chapter 8

Fetish

**AN: inspired by gross scene in rp, guest starring Calix from Queenie**

_Ker-ZAP! _

Bebe smiled a cruel smile as she looked at her two friend instantly reduce to the size of 1cm. She was going to play around with these two new toys of hers until she got bored. Pocketing the shrinking gun she stole from Mephesto's lab, she picked up the two screaming forms in her hands.

"What the hell are you doing!?" Rachel shouted, wild brown hair sticking up as she ran a hand through her hair.

"I'm gonna make you guys have the time of your lives" Bebe cooed

"You're pretty dumb if you think this can scare us" Calix lifted an eyebrow, arms crossed, as if he was his original size, standing.

Bebe lifted them into a jam jar she kept in her bag and made for her house, where she was going to spend the rest of the evening.

"I think dances are stupid and overrated" Bebe said on her mobile to Clyde

"Yeah, I might just watch tv at home myself" Clyde answered

"Well, why don't you come over" Bebe smiled, "come in like two hours. I'm busy right now"

"Cool, alright" Clyde blew a kiss over the phone and hung up.

Bebe turned and walked into her kitchen and set the jam jar down with the two newly shrunk friends inside.

"We both wanted to go to the dance" Rachel snapped, ignoring the fact her head was going into a fuzz as Calix lit up a joint in agreement.

"Well, that's too bad" Bebe tittered as she started making Jell-O

"What are you gonna do with that?" Rachel squeaked as Bebe lifted her out the jar and into the bowl, putting it into the fridge to set.

"Take her out of there!" Calix shouted only to scream as Bebe lifted him out, he screamed even louder when he saw what was in her other hand. KY Jelly.

Xx

Clyde rolled off of Bebe and puffed, hand on his chest to steady his heartbeat. He smiled at his girlfriend who laced her fingers behind her wild blonde head.

"That was a great hour" Clyde commented

"It was wonderful" Bebe winked

"Let him go, you sick weirdo!" Rachel shouted from atop the closet, looking out onto the messy bed.

"That was hot" Clyde smiled, not hearing Rachel's tiny voice

"I'm so glad you liked it" Bebe cooed

"I gotta towel off" Clyde nodded and sat up

"Sure" Bebe got up herself and walked to the bowl of jelly that Rachel was crouched in the center of. She plucked a spoon from her dresser and scooped Rachel up and into her mouth, playing with chewing Rachel to bits.

"Want some?" Bebe offered the jelly to Clyde who nodded and took the spoon and bowl.

"I'll be right back" Bebe sauntered downstairs and to her living room, took out a jar and spat Rachel into it, giving her a concussion. She then set this jar down and reached down.

"Bebe?" Clyde appeared behind her, "what's up?"

"Nothing, just… putting in a tampon" Bebe lied. Rachel could see that the absolute opposite was occurring. She flicked Calix into the jar and ran towards Clyde, took his hand and fled.

"That was absolutely disgusting" Rachel knelt beside Calix's sloppy form covered in love making juice.

"I think I'll be scarred for life" Calix mumbled

"That was gross" Rachel agreed

Rachel helplessly wiped Calix's face clean with her hand.

"Not that much fun having your best mate's dick 1 millionth of it's size squashed onto your face" Calix muttered, "inside your X's strange"

"That is such cruel payback" Rachel sighed, "No matter how disgusting Bebe will behave, you'll always be mine"


	9. Chapter 9

Under the jetty 

Kyle stroked Bebe's cheek affectionately, beneath the wharf that jutted out to sea, lapping waves bobbing various yachts and buoys, rippling waves curled onto the shore.

"This is such a weird place to do this" Bebe giggled

"Kenny said he's been to weirder places" Kyle shrugged

The two resumed kissing and hugging, wedged in the mud and freezing water. Discarding swimmers, giggling and making out, neither realized what was happening on top of the jetty.

"We have gathered here today to commemorate and lay a decent human being to rest" a priest spoke in his tired gravely voice, "Here lies a man who accomplished so many things in his short life"

A group of people in black clothes stood in an orderly crowd on the jetty, facing the priest who stood before a corpse with a white cloth draped over it.

"Today we will grant his wish and lower him into the waters where we all originated from in the beginning" the priest muttered, "whatever the fuck that means"

"Wendy" Stan whispered, straightening his tie, "what's that noise"

"I think its seagulls" wendy whispered back, eyes cast down

"Horny seagulls" Kenny mumbled behind them.

Kyle froze in mid- butt thrust and looked up, hands dropping from her hips.

"Why are you stopping?" Bebe sighed, looking over her shoulder. She widened her eyes to see a body drop into the water, in front of them.

"May he find rest and solace" a priest's voice wafted down towards them, "may god lead him to a better place"

Bebe gawped in horror, hugging Kyle's pale form as they stared at the limp body float face down for a few seconds and sink. A shark's fin sliced through the surface briefly, causing the duo to scramble onto the mud, remaining beneath the jetty.

"Well, that ruined a perfect moment" Kyle stared in shock

They remained under the jetty, shivering on the muddy terrain, listening to the funeral as it drew to a slow close.


	10. Chapter 10

governmentshit

Rachel had won an English essay contest and was sprinting up a dirt road lined with cowpats and of course, potholes. On either side of that drive was a wire fence, protecting the lush green grass from trespassers, littered with cows, sheep and one stray bull that looked as if it wanted to charge a tree that hung over the other side of the fence.

"Hey!" Rachel screamed, waving the paper in the air, turning to leap over the rusted shut gate that lead up to a massive swirling maze of rotting vegetables like eggplants and oranges. She stepped on a tomato and shuddered as it oozed browned goo under her foot. The downside of running chemical free farms was the non-human predators that got to the food before the people or the production company in Chicago.

"I won the-" Rachel flung open the door of her house only to see her mother dangling still and motionless by a cord off their disheveled fan. A newspaper article sat on a chair nearby.

"Mom?" Rachel dropped her essay onto the dusty floorboards that needed a polish

"Hello, there" a man in a pressed suit walked in from the bathroom tiled kitchen, holding a mug of coffee and judging by the smell, he had made it recently.

"I observe you made yourself at home" Rachel said flatly, eyeing the mug she bought for mothers day printed MUM. It was a freebie at an excursion from somewhere that spelled Mom as Mum. He placed the mug on the table gently and grabbed her arm roughly.

"You're coming with me" he ordered

"No, leave me alone" Rachel yanked her arm back, "get out of my house"

"The government officials have told me to collect you from your house" he said, looking frustrated, "And this house is being seized as your farm is clearly disheveled, your mother is clearly not wanting to live and your father is… according to the files, at war in France"

"France?" Rachel spat, "why!?"

"Because" he rolled his eyes as if that was the dumbest question ever, "Every single country is fighting each other"

"What fo-" Rachel shrieked as he lifted and dragged Rachel off into a shiny panel van which has FBI labeled on it, "we figured since you're practically an orphan now, we'd take you away for some work within the government"

Xx

They had ordered her to throw her flannel and faded jeans into the incinerator and wear an outfit consisting of black jeans, black converse shoes and a black t-shirt that was a little worn. She was led down a hallway and into an empty room which would serve as her cell.

Murphey 

Rachel glared at Wendy laughing hysterically, holding her stomach as she huffed and coughed up laughter.

"Am I really that funny?" Rachel twisted her flannel shirt sleeve in worry

"If you're freaking out and getting all hot-faced and giggly about a guy smiling at you, I can NOT wait to hear about the look of your face after third base" Wendy cackled

"Stop being an asshole" Rachel snapped, not entirely sure why Wendy was conjuring up images of other people having sexy time in bed.

"Anyway I have some news" Wendy dropped her giggling act  
"You found the cure for hemorrhoids?" Rachel asked

"No" Wendy rolled her eyes, "the school's most innocent kid got himself a date"

"Are you telling me that the same exact guy who didn't know what the hell a hicky is got a girl?" Rachel stared, "The same exact one that refuses to drink booze on the weekend and watches too much Mythbusters? The same exact guy that thinks PDA is disgusting?"

"Yeah, and not only that" Wendy stepped closer, "You're officially un-datable"

"That wasn't nice" Rachel murmured

"Think about it!" Wendy windmilled her arms in dramatic ecstasy, "If a girl like you who loves going to parties, loves going out with friends, loves pizza at starks pond and-"

"That guy has an allergy to everything! He hates going out in the sun!" Rachel frowned, "what the hell? Why is it that the most anti-social fucking retard-"

"I know the answer" Wendy cupped Rachel's face, looking dead serious, staring into her eyes, "Murphy's law. Good girls finish last. All the Adolf Hitlers and all the anti social freaks get the gold first."

"Doesn't it depress you that some chick found a religion hating freak show sexy?" Rachel asked as Wendy sauntered off


	11. Chapter 11

Rachel watched the screen as Nathan Drake sprinted across a bridge with Bumblebee violin music playing as if it was on acid in the background. He was freaking out, swearing and leaping over flying debris, doing flying leaps and dodges, jumping. Yanking the controller to and fro in a desperate urge to force Drake to scramble up the ledge, as the bridge before him crumpled helplessly before him into the watery void below. Rachel stopped, watching the group of pixels representing color and shape and watched Drake obediently hold himself off the ledge, spastic music still going insane.

"What's up?" Sam said from beside her, on the couch

"That bridge was a literal representation of my social circle in school" Rachel answered, pressing pause on the game, changing the music to it's dramatic theme song.

"I see you've done too many symbolism analysis at school" Sam pointed out

"Well, as time goes on, people drift away and there's nothing you can do about it" Rachel explained, "that bridge is as flakey as a cornflake! My friends flaked out on me when we graduated from that dump. I've tried relentlessly to keep them in the loop and keep myself in the social life of my so-called friends." Rachel hit play and jumped as she missed the QTE and Drake fell to his untimely death.

"And that is a very sad analogy for dying while trying" Sam laughed


	12. Chapter 12

**The premise of the story was that Sam, formerly a scrawny little guy who had no skill in football is forced into the games and discovers that the coach forces the players to take steroids. **

Sam walked into the speaker box, watching outside the window where his teammates played and battled against the other team on the pitch below.

"What are you doing, get back onto the field" Coach snapped

"No, I don't plan to" Sam replied

"You're the best on the team, you can weave through any tackle! We need you" Coach pleaded

"No, I'm done with stuffing myself with the drugs." Sam sat quietly

"I do not want to speak with you about this now" Coach faced him, annoyed

"The FDA are on their way to test everyone and the police are here" Sam felt the wire on his chest vibrate as his heart sped up, "You're fucked"


End file.
